Anyway, what I've noticed, as I've gotten older, is that my primary goal centers more and more on peace. Whereas before I believe my focus was on internal security - having the right friends, looking the right way, doing the right things (however I defined those for myself). Now, all I want is harmony.
|The label says it all.|
|This is some kind of HEB, multi-grain cereal with skim milk. And that's Henry (LOVE).|
|Leftover pancakes with raspberries and syrup.|
I'm still sorting through all this in my mind. But I think in the past I was willing to sacrifice peace (or felt that I had no choice but to) in pursuit of a sense of belonging. I guess I was not okay with myself and in an effort to be okay with myself I was continuously trying to prove to myself that I was acceptable. Although I would have said I was proving it to "others".
|Caramelized Apple and Brie Bruschetta from Brick & Spoon.|
|Half of a Bacon Cali Burger and quinoa salad, also from Brick & Spoon.|
|WATERMELON. I ate so much watermelon last week.|
For me, peace has been found in acceptance of myself. And in acceptance of life as well (my inherent lack of control in many areas). Which in turn has led to security....in myself, in the Universe, in God. Whatever you want to call it. I still struggle in some areas, but in many ways I am not trying to prove anything to anyone any longer. Not even to myself. Because I know myself. What I'm capable of and that I'm worthy of love and care. Because we all are.
|Breakfast for dinner: Chocolate chip pancakes, scrambled eggs with cheese, and bacon.|
And peace is so much more fun. I do not berate myself for watching Netflix instead of exercising some days because rest is important. I try not to tell myself I'm a bad friend when I choose a solitary walk over time with a friend because exercise and solitude are important. I don't look at my soft, squishy belly with disdain, but with fondness because, let's be honest, it's always been with me and it's the way it is because of some pretty darn fun times. I choose to not look at my status as a single adult as some woeful burden, but rather as a joyful freedom (for the time being or maybe forever). I could go on.
|Chocolate chip cookie and lemon tart from Common Bond Bakery (I ate half of each).|
|Iced sugar cookie (made by my coworker's daughter) and coffee.|
|Chocolate chip cookies (made by my boss' family) and coffee with coconut milk creamer.|
I am not perfect at seeking and choosing peace, but I am grateful that it has become my goal. And maybe that just takes living. When you've been through enough stress, anxiety, pressure, guilt and a host of other unpleasant emotions, at some point, you've had enough. My point may have come earlier than others. It wasn't something I consciously chose. I just started hungering for peace the way one thirsts for water or place to sleep.
Whatever the reason, I am extremely grateful.