Monday, October 13, 2008

And I want to know my fate, if I keep up this way

OK, I don't really like posting personal things on this blog. I usually save this kind of stuff for my "friends-only" blog that very few people read (oh those lucky few!).

Do I want to move back to Houston this December or do I want to stay in Fort Worth until next May/June?

I'm not going to use the word "should" because I really hate that word. I've used that word to make myself feel guilty and obligated about so many things. I'm determined that this will not be a guilt inducing decision. It's just a choice. A choice that I've been needing to make for a while now. And a choice that I've been alternately flip-flopping and procrastinating on.

Why would I stay in Fort Worth?
  • My best friend and roommate here got a job this school year that will require her to be in Fort Worth for the entire school year. Originally, we had thought that in December 2008, we would both be going home (her to South Carolina, me to Houston). I've loved, loved, loved living with her and I know we would have a great time if I stay another 5-6 months in Fort Worth.
  • I like my job a lot, it pays well.
  • I don't really have anything planned for Houston - no job, no place to live (except w/parents), etc.
  • The job that I want to get in Houston won't start until August 2009.
Why would I want to move back to Houston?
  • It's home.
  • I love it there.
  • My family is there.
  • Most of my friends are there.
  • It's eventually where I hope God has planned for me to end up.
  • I don't have much going on in Fort Worth - my job is part time, so I would have to get a second job if I stayed. I'm not truly involved in a church in Fort Worth.
  • I have not liked my grad school experience, and unfortunately, that has made me not like Fort Worth very much. Guilty by association.
  • I'll be 26 next Sunday. 26. Life really does seem to go faster the older you get. And the older I get, the more I feel a need to live intentionally. To not just wait and wonder what's going to happen in my life, but to think about my giftings and the desires God has put in my heart, and put those things into action, pursue them. I feel like if I stay in Fort Worth, I'll be putting my life on hold.
Who knows though? I still don't. Life rarely happens the way I expect it to and certainly not how I planned it to. I know that in the grand scheme of things, 6 months is not going to matter much. And that 26 isn't really that old. It's not like I think that as soon as I move to Houston all my dreams will come true and life will be easy. I don't want to make my own plans and map out my life anyway. Normally that's a waste of time, and even if it wasn't, I want to follow God's lead in my life, always.

When I start to think this way, analyzing my options too much, I start to worry, especially about the future. I think when this happens God's trying to get my attention and tell me to live life right now. Not in the future. Now. And not to worry. Never, never to worry. I was taking a walk on Trinity Trails yesterday (one of the things I LOVE in Fort Worth) and it was really sunny outside, but there was also this nice, cool breeze. I was thinking about all this stuff and I just felt God telling me not to worry. Just to be at peace and trust Him. He didn't tell me to move to Houston or stay in Fort Worth. He just came and gave me this great sense of peace. And it hasn't gone away yet.

So, maybe I'm answering my own question. Or maybe it doesn't matter. I'm thankful for good friends and loving family members that have heard this all in person and offered their thoughts, love, and support regardless of whether I live in Houston or Fort Worth.

1 comment:

Paula said...

I'm praying for you friend! I'm a little bias on this one ;).