More Than Enough

I've recently been listening to The Autumn Film a lot. Their music and lyrics have really been speaking to me in my current life situation. One night I was writing in my journal, really trying to process all the life events that had led me to living in Portland, and listening to a song called Enough, when these lyrics hit me like a brick wall:

My heart's been ripped wide open, by all the things I didn't need. And Your heart's been ripped wide open, 'cause I keep chasing other things.

I've been thinking about that line for weeks now. I've realized that I want God to show me that He loves me by giving me what I want. Instead, He shows me that He loves me by not giving me anything that I want and then still proving that He is more than enough.

Another song lyric that reminds me of this is from Death Cab's Your Heart is an Empty Room:

The flames and smoke climbed out of every window; and disappeared with everything you held dear; and you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need; 'cause you knew you were finally free

I will say it again because it is such a profound thought to me: God has not shown me that He loves me by giving me things that I want; He has shown me that He loves me by not giving me what I want and instead teaching me that He is what I truly want (and need).

This lesson has not come easy. I've fought Him the whole way and incurred a lot of pain in the process. And it's still something that I daily have to remember. God's love does not look like human love or what I usually want it to look like. If it was up to me, I would be one spoiled, bratty, daughter of God. And God would be more of my servant than my Lord.