Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Clean Slate

This is such a weird time in my life. Whenever I go through major life changes I get TMJ. My jaw joints gets so sore, it hurts to open my mouth wide, and anything chewy (like a bagel) is really painful to chew (not that that stops me :). 

This happened the first time during my last semester in college because I had no idea what to do after college (hello, grad school!), then it happened again during my internship in grad school, and now it's happening for the third time - since I've moved back to Houston and once again, kind of, have no idea what to do. 

I mean obviously I want a job, but where do I get a job? All the places I've been applying haven't been working out too well. It seems like I've been hearing about more people losing their jobs than actually getting jobs. Even state departments are in a "hiring freeze". I'm not in crisis to get a job - I have family to help me out, but still...I do need a job and most of all, I want a job. I know I'll get one eventually, but I'm trying not to drive myself crazy thinking when??? and where???

I want to get involved in a church, but which one? I have several in mind that I'm interested in and I plan on visiting them all. I'm hoping I will just know when I've found the right one for me. Or that at least I'll decide to truly, seriously commit to one. In the past I've had a problem with being flakey in my church commitment. I don't know if it scares me or what, but I tend to get involved, get to know people, and then leave - usually under the excuse of trying another church or something. I'm like the runaway bride, but instead I'm the runaway church member. Seriously, it's a pattern in my life. I could name about 5 churches that I've done this with. 

Will I ever get married and have a family? As I'm in my mid-twenties I can't help but think, it's either going to happen or it's not. I know in other parts of the country, like in the Northeast, most people get married in their thirties and they sometimes think it's silly (or unwise) to get married in your early twenties. And I know I'm still really young, but I don't live in the Northeast and I'm tired of wondering and waiting. Sometimes I think if I just knew I was never going to have my own family, I would be just fine. I wouldn't even be that upset (or at least I'd get over it) and then I could just live my life no longer wondering...or waiting. Not that I'm really waiting, I mean I'm living my life probably the same as I would regardless of whether I get married, but it would be nice to know. You know?

There are just so many unknowns. BIG unknowns. Not like, will I write this research paper on time? But, what will my career be? will I get married? will I be a mama? etc. That's why my jaw hurts. And my mind races. And I have to read my Bible and write them laments out to Jesus and pray that He will take this stress from my heart and leave me with peace. Peace, calmness, faith, and even joy in the midst of many unknowns. That's what I need. 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. Jesus in John 14:27 

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to her life? 

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, oh you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Jesus in Matthew 6: 25-34

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

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